Monday, April 1, 2013

Goro and Gun

So to prepare for this review I went ahead and read all of the reviews on Yelp and Eater, because I feel like this was a controversial restaurant opening and above all, I want to always be your source of Catherine Martin's opinions on controversial restaurant openings. So, here's what I have to say about all those Yelp reviewers: You guys are poop faces, not because you said the food is bad, but because you are comparing a Houston restaurant to restaurants in San Fransisco and New York! Come on guys let's try to pull it together, let's try to have some Houston pride. Look it's obvious I have no idea what "good ramen" tastes like, I loved the way the miso ramen at Goro and Gun tasted, I'll agree with the Yelpers, the broth was very thick which was delicious, have you ever gotten full off of a thirteen cent package of Top Ramen? Nope! But this miso ramen made me so full I had to lay on my back afterwards with a warm washcloth over my face, sighing dramatically. Thanks, thick broth. If Houston, the third largest city in the United States, has no other use for it's ramen shops than to try to keep up with other cities rather than pioneer something new, then there is really no reason for us to be living here, if we're not going to come up with our own identity we might as well all move. -12 to the haters, pull it together guys, let's start talking some sense.

Look it's clear that the very best thing about Goro and Gun was obviously their drink menu. The drinks themselves were delicious (I drank the Lifer because I'm about to graduate college and am assuming I will become a Lifer at the pizza restaurant I work at; just to let you know Dad it had scotch in it and I loved it so I've developed some expensive tastes for the next time I come home) but I'm not talking about the actual beverages - I'm talking about the beverage names! The whole first page were all restaurant industry terms - lifer, short-timer, line cook, S.A., shoe maker. Underneath the names they had a brief description of what the terms meant, for the 25% of the American population who have never worked in the service industry (obviously I don't associate with this sort of person and was a little surprised to discover a restaurant who admits they exist). Even better than these is my favorite drink that I didn't order: the cookie monster!!! It has rum and cookie milk and several things that I didn't recognize; doesn't that sound delicious? For one thing what is cookie milk! I think it's what's left over when you pour yourself a glass of milk to dip your cookies in, but then after the cookies are gone decide you don't need anymore calcium for the day and will in fact die if you drink it. I never knew what to do with that milk before but now I do: sell it to Goro and Gun. +233

I'll agree though that there is a serious problem with Goro and Gun and we all need to sit down and talk about it: the bathroom. Look I'm a pretty anxious person, especially lately, just ask my roommates the other day I lost the lid to my popcorn maker and I made them all hunt for it for two days and I had a bit of a panic attack alone in my closet and the whole encounter culminated in me nearly burning down the apartment complex trying to make popcorn on the stove. It still smells pretty bad in here. These aren't the actions of a person who has her life together, let me tell you. So anyway here I am hanging out downtown, alone in this world with no popcorn maker lid, when suddenly the Lifer I drank plus the four cups of water kicks in and I have to excuse myself to use the ladies' room. I'm already on edge and then I close the door and bam! Panic sets in! The whole bathroom is painted red and it's pretty dim in there, I guess they were trying to set the mood in there but I'm going to be honest guys, I wanted to love everything about Goro and Gun but I couldn't love this, it made me too nervous, all that unrelenting red. Even the door was painted red, with no relief at all. I'm not really sure, red isn't usually like, a trigger color for me, or anything, but it just made me feel really unsafe, like some kind of ninja was going to come in on me with my skirt down and attack me or something. -12 Maybe even a different wattage on the light bulb would have made me feel less panicky, but I was not a fan of the bathroom.

Anyways let's end on a positive note. Goro and Gun apparently knew I was coming because they had placed all of these stuffed wild cats around the room, like a mountain lion, and an ocelot, I'm not really sure, I can never tell them apart unless they're at the zoo with a placard in front of them. Anyways I guess they knew I liked to fit in or something because after all that thick broth, guess what I was? A stuffed Cat! +18 Get it? Because my name is Cat and I ate a lot? Man that's some funny stuff, it really turned my night around after that bathroom incident, thanks Goro and Gun.

Goro & Gun on Urbanspoon

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