I would like to start this post by apologizing for my recent, unexplained absence. I know that many of you look to my blog as the only bright point of your otherwise sad and mundane lives, and I realize that when my posts suddenly became sporadic and then nonexistent, many of you undoubtedly assumed that I had sickened and died at that my blog was only being updated by a - still tremendously hilarious, of course - ghostwriter. I want to go ahead and assure everyone that the rumors are not true, that I have not contracted tuberculosis, that I did not get finger carpal tunnel syndrome that struck me unable to type on a keyboard ever again, and I did not develop a rare disease that has rendered me unable to eat in any restaurant that does not serve food out of a tube again. No, rather, I was wintering with my parents in Waco, and now I have returned to Houston, to never leave my apartment again, to eat in every restaurant with a funny name, to bring joy and laughter back into your lives.
So I went to Luigi's for the first time a couple weeks ago because a former roommate of mine had returned to town for a visit after moving to St. Louis. Look I loved living with Jess, she was great, we used to watch So You Think You Can Dance together and one day we had a very touching moment driving through the Med Center in my car, you know the one, Jess. But if there's one quality about her I don't like it's the number of times she brought up this damn restaurant, pardon my French. The thing is I've worked in three different pizza restaurants since I was seventeen. I am currently working in a pizza restaurant. My top read blog posts are about pizza restaurants. I have pizza destiny, which means that even when I am rich it will only be because of my successful franchise of pizza restaurants that I created. If there's one thing I know, it's pizza restaurants, and if there is one thing I never want to talk about after I get home after a shift at a pizza restaurant is pizza restaurants. But Geez Jess used to eat at Luigi's like it was going out of style, I'm talking, once, twice a month! The only place she ate at more is Saltgrass but that's a different subject, I'd like to stick at the topic at hand for once please. Anyway. My point is I've spent the past five years smelling like a mixture of flour and garlic salt and before I ever even agreed to eat at Luigi's last month, it already had -92 points. I'm not scared to tell you that I ordered the pasta.
The thing is though I actually kind of liked Luigi's. Look the food was pretty good, their Alfredo sauce was a little bit watery for my taste but I'm not about to complain about somebody else's food, one time my boyfriend suggested that I might have undercooked the eggs and I started crying, I'm not bringing that bad karma to the table. Here's what was the best part of Luigi's - there was this little brown cat that kept scurrying around, and guys, he almost let me pet him! +30! There's a little brown cat who lives at my pizza restaurant too and ours is a mean old thing, he'll let all of the customers pet him (provided the feed him cheese off the top of their pizza) and he never even lets me get close! It's so humiliating I'll get down on my knees and I'll like, be crawling through people's legs underneath tables hunting down this cat, making quite noises with my mouth so he won't be scared, and he always bolts, even when it's raining. It is so rotten of him I hate him. But this cat let me get so close, and it didn't eat anybody's cheese, and I bet that if I hunted him half as well as I hunted the other cat he would have let me take him home and cuddle with him all night long, I know it.
Here's the other thing. Checked tablecloths. At an Italian restaurant! It's such a stereotype that I can't help but love it, you know? +8 Sometimes it even happens in Italy, I know, I went there once. Where do you even get checked tablecloths I'll tell you where you can't, Target. I know I was just there buying a new power supply and I cut through the tablecloth aisle on accident and there were no checked ones. Luigi's specifically went out to a checked tablecloth supply store to take care of us, of our needs, and I love that about them.
That's all the things I'm going to tell you, I'm an important woman, I have important woman things to do, like go buy orange juice, should have picked it up at Target I know, but I can't stay here typing all day. If you are the proprietor of Luigi's and would like to give me your little brown kitten, please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org!