Thursday, January 24, 2013

Eatsie Boys

As my faithful followers will know, I previously reviewed the Eatsie Boys food truck. Being a serious, professional journalist, it was my duty to return to the new, re-visioned, brick and mortar Eatsie Boys to let you know my important opinions.

I would like to start out by saying that what I think is the best about Eatsie Boys is translated very well into their new location, which is how super nice everybody who works there is. When I went and it was a food truck, they gave a whole sandwich to a mean homeless guy. This time everyone was so nice and they answered all of my nosy questions and then I told the guy at the counter, "thanks, bro," and he said, "don't bro me if you don't know me," but he smiled, and he wasn't being mean to me, we were sharing a jest about common vernacular on the streets. We were buds. +14 People open doors for you, at Eatsie Boys. People at Eatsie Boys would let you sleep on their couch, and if you stayed a couple weeks longer to leave than you'd originally told them, they wouldn't start acting rude and restless in your company and they wouldn't start hinting that you begin paying rent. They're good, solid men, and ladies, you should date all of them.

Another good thing about Eatsie Boys is that they have a dog friendly patio. Here's something you guys didn't know: I'm house sitting right now, which means that I have a dog for my own personal use, 24/7, for an entire week. She's beautiful and we like to do the things that I normally do with my own dog together, like eat French fries and watch crappy television (now that I have a house I have cable, guys; I can't wait to be a bona fide adult it seems like the best gig ever). We also go on walks and bark at squirrels and scare pigeons together, but this dog's a bit older so she's not quite as good at those things as I am and my real dog Chester is. Shout out to Chester, who's brown and lives with my parents and is the best dog ever; I want you to know, Chet, that this new dog refuses to cuddle and she doesn't sneeze nearly as much as you do, she will never replace you. Anyway Eatsie Boys respects that sometimes people are house sitting and walking around in the camouflage of being a real adult and need things to do with their new pet dog; Eatsie Boys will even allow you, for no extra charge, to take your fake dog to their restaurant (provided you sit outside) and let you pretend to all of their patrons that you're a real adult and have a real job and pay all of your bills and not just some of them. They will let you fake owning cable. They will let you falsify your area code. At Eatsie Boys, they will let you make believe whatever you want to be. +192

Look guys I don't want you to think that I have strayed into the forum of actual restaurant reviews; I'd prefer to leave that to the experts. I would, however, like to share a few words with you about their Shipley's Glazed and Confused Ice Cream. According to the employee that I interviewed, who remains anonymous because I didn't ask him for his name (so much for my burgeoning journalism career), they make this ice cream by soaking actual Shipley's donuts in their ice cream base for (I believe) at least a day. The result is that their ice cream tastes exactly like a Shipley's donut and even has the same texture as the donut glaze. Guys, it's awesome. This is just the thing emotional eaters like myself have been waiting for. I don't know how many times I've been laying in bed watching the Notebook alternatively stuffing my face with handfuls of popcorn and bonbons and thought, Man I could really go for something else... should I go out and buy a dozen donuts, or a gallon of ice cream? (Obviously you can't get both because when in the depths of despair it's impossible to have the amount of social interactions that would take place in both a trip to the grocery store AND the donut store). Now I don't ever have to make that decision again. Now I can just go to Eatsie Boys. +34

These men are visionaries, guys. They are visionaries. Any Eatsie Boys employees who find themselves single, please email me at and I'll set you up with my most favorite female friends, post haste. \

Eatsie Boys Café on Urbanspoon


  1. you didnt tell us their hours

    how will i know if i can go there?

  2. Google is smart. Anonymous above is not.