Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Resie's Chicken and Waffles

Ok so here's the dish on Resie's. There's this app you can get if you're pretentious and have an iPhone or if you're not you can just do it on your computer. Its called Order Ahead and what happens is you put in your credit card once, and then from then on its saved, you can just lose your card for forever. I love stuff like this its why i spend so much money on Amazon as soon as I find something I like, I just order it, no need to crawl across my bed searching for my wallet and then its not there so you have to look under and then its not in your room at all and by the time you find your purse you realize that you don't need a set of shirts which will make you look camouflaged with most urban environments. You live in the suburbs now, and despite your best efforts, you've yet to be drafted by the CIA (wink - that's what a CIA operative would say too, huh?).

Where was I? Oh yeah! So I love this app +7 the only problem is there's like, five restaurants on it so do yourselves a favor, people who own restaurants who read my blog, press this button:

Then I will start ordering food from the comfort of my bedroom and we all know that people who don't think about their purchases before they make them spend more money. It's a sound business investment, guys, just do it.

Here's the dish on Resie's, guys: I love it. Let's talk for a moment about what I actually ordered: the Waffle Cristo. It's a Monte Cristo sandwich (a deep fried ham and cheese sandwich, for you sad folks who have never experienced it's wonder) but in this particular case, instead of being made with bread, it's sandwiched together by waffles. Deep fried waffles encasing cheese and meat.Truly, there is no greater invention since the history of man kind. +12 Oh man but guys can I just give you a little warning, or something? Look we ordered all these sides and things, we were going to really experience Resie's, but by the time we made it to our actual food, there was no way we were every going to be able to snarf it all down. There's two to an order, guys, and they're each the size of a small island. Pro tip, from someone who's still on an all vegetable diet in reaction to this: don't get any appetizers, and don't eat for a week before you order the Waffle Cristo. It's the only way you'll be able to get through all this.

At Resie's, they have onesie bathrooms. Let me just share my life with you up until my trip to the bathroom: so I used to work at this hotel and most of our job was to show up at work every day looking hot. Every. Day. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of natural beauty, but EVERY DAY? Most days I like to roll out of bed, put my hair in a pony tail, throw on some sweats, and hope that nobody looks at me. My legs are what you could call pale (and typically unshaven) so when I'd work at this hotel, after spending six hours fixing my hair and makeup, I'd roll on these black tights to cover up this little discrepancy. The only thing is when I'd gone to Target to buy my tights, I'd accidentally bought something that apparently said "Super control top! Wear these and lose fifteen pounds from your appearance and never breath again!" They go all the way up to my bosom and are topped by this plastic ring that's about half the size I am that digs into your flesh at every moment, reminding you that if you were skinnier (or had just read the label on the tights you were buying, instead of freaking out because you had to be at your shift in five hours and that left very little time for your intensive beauty regimen) you could breath. That's not something I like to think about ever, let alone for an entire shift. I'd have gone back to the store and got new ones, but let's face it, I'm real lazy, or else I would have just gone into Resie's myself, ordered, and waited for it to be ready like a normal person. So on this particular day it was kind of cold outside but I also wanted to wear a dress, so I tried on all of my tights and this particular pair - my only black pair - matched better than the rest so I pulled them on. I hadn't worn them in months. "This isn't too bad," I gasped to myself, my face slowly turning blue as the oxygen left it. "I'm sure they'll only get better as the day goes on."

Spoiler alert: they didn't. All through class all I could focus on was that plastic band cutting into my flesh. Five days later you can still see the mark in my skin. Resie's Chicken and Waffles is halfway to the Woodlands, and I set out around five thirty, when I got out of class, which meant of course that in rush hour traffic it took three hours to drive twenty miles. My bladder, having had the all the pressure of these tights pressing up against it for hours, was about to pop. Not even bothering to say hello to the nice people of Resie's, I exploded from my car, the force of my need propelling me from the parking lot to the bathroom in four easy steps. I barely had time to lock the door. Just like a woman who's kids are trapped in a car, I suddenly had superhuman strength, sliding those damn tights off. I'll spare you the details from here.

After my victory, however, I was faced with the problem of getting my tights back on. This is no easy feat, it takes about thirty minutes to get this torture device up over the hips and up to my neck. I was struggling this when there was a jiggle at the doorknob. I paused, barely up to my knees. There was a jiggle again. "I'm still in here," I whispered to the girl on the other side (a whisper was all I could manage with my depleted oxygen. "I'll be out in a moment." An hour later I stumbled out the door, another girl on the other side. "Sorry," I said to her. "I was struggling to get my tights back on." "Mmhmm girl," she said, nodding in agreement. "I hear that." +32 Resie's gets me they do. -108 to anyone who was thinking throughout this story that I should have just taken the tights off, it would have been better to be cold than dead, I hate you, whoever you are.

I think that's all I have to say. If you have any tips for getting tights on, please feel free to email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com.


Resie's Chicken & Waffles Restaurant on Urbanspoon

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