Thursday, November 8, 2012

Elevation Burger

My eating at Elevation Burger this Tuesday was mostly in an effort to remain young and fresh. They just opened their first location in Houston a couple weeks ago and all the other internet food blogs (it occurs to me now that "internet food blog" is a bit redundant because blog is short for weblog and therefore automatically resides on the internet, sorry everyone that I have disappointed here today) are already talking about it and I feel like I'm behind the jump! I'm 21 years old! I should BE the jump! It's just disgusting and disappointing to me and I'm sorry.

Here's the first thing you need to know about Elevation Burger. The guy who was taking my order took his job way too seriously. I don't know if you guys have ever been a part of a restaurant opening, but I started working at Pink's Pizza on Bissonnet within like three days of it opening. It's real easy to take your job seriously within the first three days that it opens. Nobody's ever heard of you before, but instead of you being the weird-still-in-her-awkward-years girl on her first day at Catholic school, you're the super-hot-doesn't-even-know-how-to-spell-pimple girl on her first day at an inner-city public school where they never saw a natural blonde before. Everyone wants your food, everyone wants to be nice to you, whatever you give to anybody is the greatest thing in the world. They haven't gotten used to you yet. They aren't taking you for granted. Then slowly everyone gets used to your usual level of service, they start looking for the corners to cut, they want discounts on things, they start being rude, and you realize that this isn't the greatest company in the world to work for, it's just a company, and no matter how much you like working there and how much you like your coworkers, you're going to quit in a year and a half anyway. This guy hadn't been beaten down yet. People were still being nice to him. He might have been the manager, pre having to fire his favorite worker, of course. Anyway, not only did he answer all of our questions, he told us which questions to ask, and then when we were ordering, he tried to upsell us twice! Are you kidding me? When's the last time anybody who didn't work in a movie theater tried to upsell anything? (Actually once at Starbuck's somebody told me I could get like twenty ounces of coffee more for only a quarter or something and I went with it. The thing is I'm very susceptible to upselling because I rarely know what I want, and if someone tells me I'd rather have a coke than a cup of water, as long as they provide one or more reasons I'm going to believe him. That's why that guy was so effective.) Anyways what's my point? My point is that I liked it. He's a nice guy. +13

Here's the other thing. You know what's wrong with Elevation Burger? All they're ever doing is caring about the environment! They've got this grass-fed beef stuff going around, which I think is just mean in the first place because I would always ALWAYS always rather eat corn than grass. Have you ever eaten grass? I have I have an older brother so I ate my fair share of grass as a child. It's nasty. Sometimes there are bugs in it. I've never seen any bugs on the corn I've eaten, you can take that to the bank. Then they're all, "hey, if you guys have Celiac's disease, or whatever, or are like on some kind of weird diet, all of our buns are gluten free." They make all of their buns out of potatoes. All of them! What if I wanted to take a hamburger and eat it in front of some chump who can't eat gluten? You can't do it with an Elevation burger, that's for sure! They have a vegan burger on their menu! Are you kidding me? Vegans don't get to eat burgers. It's just not a thing. You give that up when you decide you would rather be sanctimonious than happy. -81 This is awful. This is too many choices. This is for too many people. Obviously this country did not elect Mitt Romney.

I think you should all go eat at Elevation Burger, just beware that the parking lot favors small, fuel efficient cars, and if you try parking there in your father's Four Runner and then the parking lot fills up with either people who want to eat halal meat or people who are nervous that they're unhip because it's been at least a full week and they still haven't eaten at Elevation Burger, you're going to need to do at least a 6 point turn to get out of your parking spot. (-2 sometimes people who drive Hummers are still good people guys come on)

Elevation Burger on Urbanspoon

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