Monday, October 29, 2012


Like most people in Houston I always drive by Katz's, read their sign that says "Katz's Never Kloses", and just laugh and laugh and laugh because AUSTIN, our lame-o cousin to the northwest, used to have a Katz's and it KLOSED. Man what a bunch of chumps, I bet they were rethinking their business slogan real hard as they shuttered their doors.

Look I really like Katz's, and it's not just because they serve breakfast food 24 hours a day. I mean I do like that they serve breakfast food 24 hours a day, but I'll be honest I've never had their breakfast food, I just stick to their New York Jew Food.* I don't know if you guys know this, but I have this speech defect where any time I try to do an accent, after about three or four words it just kind of turns into a really racist sounding Indian accent. British, Polish, Irish, Jamaican... all turns to Indian. There is, however, one exception: My New York accent is, at least in my mind, spot on. I think it's all in the attitude, really - whenever I practice my New York accent, I like to put myself in the mind of a New Yorkian. I'm grouchy because I don't have a rent controlled apartment, all the taxi drivers are trying to take me for a ride (that's supposed to be a pun, but I didn't really know how to spruce it up for you), and nothing is ever good enough for me. Also my favorite food is cheesecake. (Just kidding really how I do it is I pretend I'm Fran Dresher but I just woke up after eating an entire tobacco field that's soaked in whiskey.) So I feel this real closeness to people from New York, like I could be one of them. I love their Jewish Food. The thing is I found this exception - it's this schlock called matzo, have you had it? I had pnuemonia last week (I just like to throw this out so you guys will think I'm a survivor) and I thought hey, they best way to get over this would be some nice soup. Maybe I'll have some soup as one of the sides that comes with my New York Jew Meatloaf (everything there is kosher, they have beef bacon at Katz's, did you know that? I didn't get around to trying it this time but beef and bacon are my two favorite meats.) Anyways they had this matzo soup, I didn't know what that was so I asked Thomas and he said it was like cornmeal, but as a rule of thumb I like to second guess everything Thomas tells me even though he's usually right. Not always though, don't get a big head Thomas. So I asked the waitress, hey, what's matzo, is it like cornmeal? And she said no, it's made out of matzo. As this is the most useless response she could've given me, I assumed she said "mozzarella", because that would have been descriptive and informative instead of just restating my question as an answer. I could have figured out it was made of matzo, I can read, I made it out of elementary school without being held back even once. Mozzarella, though, that sounded good and I wanted it. I'll cut to the chase: do you know what matzo is? It's made out of cornmeal, or something equally disgusting, I'll give Thomas the point for that! It's like some kind of gross, soggy, unfried hush puppy, floating in chicken stock. It's awful. -76 If the waitress had just said that, I would have ordered the onion rings instead.

That's really the only bad thing about Katz's, though. Except for their Cheesecake Shake which I didn't try because I hate cheesecake and if I had it in a shake it would ruin shakes for me for the rest of my life. That's a risk I can't afford to make, I think you understand. Here's the best part: they give free elevator rides to anybody who wants one! +192 You can just get on their elevator and ride it up and down and up and down and they don't even care. You know how I know? Because they have a sign about it, right on their hostess stand! Free elevator rides, just ask, it says! This is the kind of participative dining that I like. It feels like it could be in Branson, Missouri, that's how fun and participative it is. Better than dinner and a show, it's dinner and a theme park ride. Except unlike an elevator in New York, this one never smells like a homeless person urinated in it! It's wonderful. It's a great restaurant.

Anyways I give Katz's a solid two thumbs up and recommend it to anybody who wants to ride an elevator. Just be careful what you order, contrary to popular belief not EVERYTHING on the menu is one hundred percent delicious. Any questions or comments, feel free to email at!

*Thomas says it's mean to call it New York Jew Food. I just want to clarify that I love the Jews and especially love their potato cakes; I'm not sure if this is the equivalent of me saying "it's OK, I have a gay roommate, I'm allowed to say those glasses make you look really queer" or not but I watched every episode of "State of Grace", focusing on inter-religious relationships and I. Read. The Torah.

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