Thursday, September 13, 2012

James Coney Island

You know people can say what they want about Houston, about the obesity of our fair city, the general excess of our population, the greed of our corporations, but I don't care who you are, it's freaking awesome that we have our own fast food chain. And it's a hot dog chain? God what a great city we live in. +9

Here's the thing about hot dogs. I went to Bonnaroo with Melissa and our friend Mariam two summers ago and if you've ever been to a music festival with more than three people attending, you know that there is never an available bathroom. Everyone's trying to get over the bad acid, vomiting, drinking to much water, and I was in line for forty-five minutes. Behind me in line were two girls having a very philosophical, deep conversation about what to have for lunch that day.

"Anna said the pizza was alright. Let's just eat some pizza."

"Maybe. I don't know. I really just want a hot dog." But she didn't say hot dog like a normal person would. She was from New York. Did you hear it? Let's continue their conversation.

"A hot dog? I don't know. You can get those anywhere." Did you hear it that time? I bet you did.

"You can get pizza anywhere! I really just want a hot dog." There. She doesn't say "hot dog"; she says "hat dooag." "I really just want a hat dooag." Oh. My. Gosh. I haven't been this in love with a woman since Catherine Zeta-Jones appeared in the Ocean's movies. +12 Since then, I've never eaten a hot dog. No matter where I go, I always order the hat dooag. I've been working on my New York accent. How's this? "Whattaya mean yeh don't havany hat dooags? Letdme tak to yer meanaga!" Heheheheheh man is making fun of people from New York fun.

Anyway. So James Coney Island combines my favorite things: making fun of people from New York, fast food, and stuff you can only get in Houston. As you know, as a Houston immigrant, I'm trying to assimilate myself to the culture of this place, and one of the ways that I've chosen to do it, besides name dropping Mayor Annise Parker at every available moment, is to eat at JCI and then complain about how bad JCI is. +7 The thing is they aren't even that bad, I mean they aren't great, they're hat dooags, what can you do with a hat dooag? There's only so much you can do to processed meat food and buns. Nobody was expecting them to reinvent the wheel here. With what they were given, they have done great things. Have you tried Sonic's new line of hat dooags? Not the foot long Coney, that things amazing, don't ever say anything bad about it in my presence. Having a bad day? The Coney is the way to cure it. You'll be so focused on how bad your breath is and your heartburn, you won't even be able to think about how awful your day was. But their other dooags? They've got nothing on JCI. It's definitely safe to say that among fast food hat dooags, they are king.

The other thing. Chili French fries. Enough said.

Here's the con though. And it's not a very big con. It's just that dining at JCI is much like ordering a soda at your mall food court - if you want a refill, you're gonna have to go back and ask for one. While this is, it's true, probably good for your over all soda intake, guys, I'm a Republican! I don't like asking anybody for anything! I'm not going to go up to the counter and ask somebody to do something they let children do! -15 Especially because sometimes I like mixing together several different types of soda, and how are you supposed to ask the lady behind the counter to do that for you? It's impossible! She'll laugh you out of the store! No. I'm a fully capable adult, I went to college, I can fill up my own cup of soda. Dislike.

Still. They aren't the worst place in the world, and if you're interested in a date who's willing to call them hat dooags so you don't have to, email me at

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