Look guys I don't want you guys to think I intentionally wanted to go to a place where they use such disgusting words as "grass fed" and "sustainable" and "brunch". I wanted to go to Mission Burrito, but I was overruled, and you can't hold it against me, OK? OK.
Look here's the thing about Benjy's: they have a brunch menu. I'm not sure what exactly it is about brunch that I find so irritating; ostensibly, I should love brunch. It has everything I love about eating: runny eggs, things you can dip runny eggs into, bacon, the appeal of it being after one o'clock in the morning. I guess it's just the word brunch that I have such a problem with, and it's only because I'm just not being generous, if we're honest with each other. I don't like brunch because it's a cute, silly, clever combination of the words lunch and breakfast and if the decision had been left up to me, I'd have come up with lunfast. I don't have the ability to make clever portmanteau that everyone in the universe can come up with, and it really hurts my feelings. -10 I wish I could come out really strong against their brunch menu for that reason, but guuuuuys, the have chocolate bacon waffles on their menu. Waffles with bacon baked into them, covered in whipped cream and strawberries and chocolate chips! Excuse me, but +14! Come on guys! Waffles covered in chocolate, filled with bacon! It's a bacon filling! Can you believe that? Screw cream filling, am I right? My point is this particular dish was created with me, Catherine Martin in mind, with particular emphasis put on my monthly hormonal cycle. I'm just very conflicted with this particular brunch menu, very conflicted; if only they'd put a fried egg on top of the waffle, I would have no question left in my mind.
Ugh but do you know what was happening when I entered Benjy's? There was a freaking baby shower hanging out in their party space, all of their pregnant ladies and baby shower gifts wafting in front of our very eyes. -8 guys! I can't believe it! For one thing, those pregnant ladies should be in their homes eating pickles, not putting their future children at risk gallivanting around town! But I think that particular sin pales in comparison to those piles of gifts sitting by the entrance of their restaurant. Excuse me? Did these guys not go to preschool? Did they NOT learn that if you're going to bring a present for one guest at Benjy's, they have to bring a present for all of us? I certainly didn't walk away from that restaurant with a new stroller and some pacifiers! I just had a sugar rush! Honestly I wasn't even offended about not getting a crappy present like that, I'm not a pregnant lady, I'm only 21, once I was trying to change my cousin and he rolled off of the changing table and had a bruise on his head. Obviously I'm not fit to be a mother. But those presents were so beautifully wrapped! There was so much tissue paper in those bags! Uggh it was all I could do not to vault over the party room partition and rip the tissue paper out of the bags and throw them over my head in fistfuls like a spoiled child in a cartoon! All I wanted to do was rip the paper off of those boxes! I mean seriously guys, I only wanted to unwrap those presents, I didn't want to keep them! Besides, their pregnant fingers probably shouldn't be exerting themselves in that sort of way, I mean come on guys, they need to save their energy for the life that's growing inside them! But they didn't even ask.
And then there were these ceramic owls, just chilling on top of the window where their food comes out. Just sitting up there, looking at me. -13 Why on earth would you put owls inside a restaurant? Do you know what owls eat? Mice, and voles! For them to be present in a restaurant means that their are enough mice and voles there to feed all of them! Do you even know what a vole is? I'm just asking because I don't, but it sounds really gross! Here's a list of things that start with a v: vipers, velociraptors, and vampire bats. Does any of that sound like something you want running around your food preparation areas? NOPE! Obviously voles are even worse than all of those, and they are just letting them hang out there with nothing but ceramic owls to stop them! I hate it!
But let's end on a good note, shall we? Guess what Benjy's has bowls of at their hostess stand? Those really great soft mints! You know, the red and white striped ones that taste like peppermint but when you put them in your mouth and suck on them instead of being like those crappy Starlight mints and just slowly melting away and being way too pepperminty, the soft mints are mostly sugary and they don't melt so much as they crumble in your mouth? Uggh I love those! Sometimes during exam week and I need constant supplies of sugar in order to keep the sugar crash at bay and also in order to stay up, I'll buy one of those huge buckets of them and eat the whole bucket in a week. OK usually it's more like three days, nobody tell my dentist please. But if you go to Benjy's, you don't actually have to buy a whole bucket, you can just have your friends make a commotion so that the hostess has to look the other way and then you can put your hand in there and take a whole handful and by the time the hostess looks back, you've taken the whole bowl and your purse is full of soft mints and you've disappeared. +91
That's all I got, but if anybody is throwing a baby shower this week and needs someone to unwrap all the presents and pull out all of the stuffing from bags, email me at firstname.lastname@example.org I'm prepared to rearrange my whole schedule for you.