Thursday, July 12, 2012

How Do You Roll? Sushi

Alright alright look guys I know you've already heard about my love affair with the Tunnels but I don't think enough of you guys took it seriously and went and checked it out. There are so many things you can only see down there. For instance, all the ladies who work downtown change out of their high heels and into tennis shoes, and they'll just wander around the Tunnels wearing their business professional wear and their sparkling clean Asics. This is like seeing Superman when his cape is in the wash and he's just standing in his kitchen in his regular jumpsuit eating yogurt. There is nothing else like it.

So for those of you who haven't been there, How Do You Roll? is customizable sushi, like Subway except it's sushi instead of sandwiches. Except you know how everything at Subway is called simple, unassuming things like "bell peppers" and "onions"? At How Do You Roll?, they allow you to feel more important, more intelligent, and call things by their pretentious, only for people in the know sorts of names. This is for those of us who can't afford cigars and chauffeurs and have to make it up in the little things. At How Do You Roll?, they don't make us say peasant things like "eel"; we get to say "unagi". We don't have to say "crab": instead, "kani". Why, did you want some Japanese egg omelet? No? What about "tomago"? Yeah, that's what I thought. +19 Of course you could say the other things but why would you want to? It's like driving a Dodge Caravan when you have a Honda Odyssey sitting in your driveway, moon roof ready for your access. Finally, an excuse to use all the Chinese I learned from the back of my fortunes at Pei Wei. (I'm just kidding guys sushi is obviously Japanese! Come on you plebes!)

Here's the other thing. Don't you think it's charming that they have a question mark in their name? How Do You Roll? Sushi. I think it's a bold move! Because it's not at the end of the name where it would be obnoxious - it's right in the middle! How Do You Roll? Sushi! +93 Oh gosh I think it's really cute and even I'm surprised by how much I like it. Normally I'm very irritated by superfluous punctuation. I mean what's up with the band Fun.? There's no need for a period at the end of their name! It's not a statement! It's not even a full sentence! It's just an adjective! Uggh it's infuriating. And the only band worse than Fun. is !!!. What kind of name is that? !!!? That is seriously the most hipster name in the universe. I mean let's not even go to the !!! concert, let's just sit in our rooms smoking hookah and wearing nonprescription glasses and talking about how bogus things are while wearing funky, eccentric socks. And suspenders. I'm not sure if "bogus" is a hipster word actually. Phony? Has that come around again? I feel like Holden Caulfield must have been the first hipster. It makes my teeth hurt. But How Do You Roll? Sushi doesn't have arbitrary punctuation; the question mark is a very important part of their name. I mean it's a question. How Do You Roll? And then it's customizable sushi. I just can't get enough of this guys. I can't.

Here's what's awful about How Do You Roll? Sushi. They have labelled menu items for things that are vegan and also things that are gluten-free. Are we seriously still accommodating those sorts of people in restaurants, guys? -6 Last time I checked, vegans and gluten-free lovers weren't protected classes under any sort of Civil Rights Act; we have the right to refuse service to them. I mean vegans are obviously subhumans to begin with, who doesn't eat meat? I mean seriously, all the cool species eat meat. Tigers eat meat. Polar bears eat meat. Whales eat plankton, and while I wouldn't call that "meat" it is a living creature. You know what kinds of things are vegan? Bunny rabbits. Squirrels. Deers. Defenseless animals! Have you ever seen a deer run a boardroom? I know everyone says it's different when it's your child, but I swear, if any kid of mine comes out of the closet as a vegan, I'm not paying for their college. You don't need a college degree to hug trees for a living, guys. You just don't. And those gluten free people! Look I know a person who has Celiac's disease so I'll refrain from saying what you're all thinking, that they're all just fakers. Come on, guys, that's not fair. (Heh heh heh like I haven't said way worse things than that before). But everyone else? Why not eat gluten? Because it's spelled in a funny way? That's just mean, guys! To pick on something because of the way it's spelled! That's just what it's mom wanted to call it, it had nothing to do with it! You guys are a bunch of jerks. And all I'm saying is that when restaurants start accommodating people like this, they're going to realize that some places are actually tolerant and they're going to start going there. And when these people are well fed, they'll start reproducing more of themselves. That's the last thing we need: an entire population of gluten haters. But if How Do You Roll? Sushi wants to let those people through their doors, I guess I can't stop them.

So I guess I have to end this by saying that EVERYONE should go to How Do You Roll? Sushi, not just the meat eating non-jerks. And don't be nervous about the Tunnels, either; contrary to popular belief, they don't flood whenever it rains in downtown. If you get lost, email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com! How Do You Roll? on Urbanspoon

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