Monday, July 30, 2012
I'm sorry we were apart for so long, my loving fans, as you probably didn't know I was summering in Canada but I'm back now; I saw four bears on my vacation thank you for asking and if anyone is interested in starting a bear rescue facility in which we capture baby black bears and cuddle with them until they are old enough to attack us and then turn them into bear skin rugs, please let me know, I'm very interested in helping you. Before I left, however, I had dinner at Fuzzy's Pizza, located at 3905 Bellaire Blvd. Look guys I used to drive by that place and say "Geez, who wants to eat Fuzzy Pizza?" and laugh and laugh because I'm so witty. Now I drive by that place and say "Geez, who wants to eat Fuzzy Pizza?" and don't laugh because it's sad when pizza doesn't taste delicious guys, I worked in pizza restaurants for five years, it's in my blood, bad pizza makes me cry and Fuzzy's is awful. Let's start off with that name. Seriously guys, to me, Fuzzy's Pizza says, "We have mold growing on our pizzas!" Last summer I brought home some pizza from my job and I didn't eat it for a few days and then I found it again in my oven and there was a bit of mold growing on it. I'm of the belief that we Americans have been coddling our immune systems, that if we would just eat a little bit more dirt we'd get sick less. So far this hasn't been working out so well for me, but I decided to eat this fuzzy pizza and all was fine and good until I got food poisoning and spent the next twenty four hours huddled against my toilet, praying to the food god for forgiveness, my only breaks to crawl to my sink for water. Needless to say I've never made that mistake again, and when I think of fuzzy pizza I think of how familiar I got with the tiles on my bathroom floor -89 Here's the other thing, they wrap their tablecloths in plastic at Fuzzy's Pizza! Look I'm not saying this isn't a good idea, I think 2/3 of my roommates could do well to have our tablecloths wrapped in plastic. (I'm talking to you, Catherine and Scott... wait a minute...) All I'm saying is it isn't very professional guys I didn't go to all the effort of putting on shoes and coming to your restaurant to be served like I'm a six year old at Grandma's house!! -9 Look I'm the customer, right?? If I want to make a horrible stain on your table cloth, I think it should be my right! Besides, it's a pizza place, and their tablecloths were patterned, guys! What am I going to do, rub the marinara into the tablecloth and then spill my coke on top of it? I don't think so! A couple crumbs never hurt anybody, and they certainly never made me feel like I was being laughed at. Here's what's nice, though. On their menu they have a "President Bush" pizza. It comes with artichokes, pepperoni, Canadian bacon, Italian sausage, green peppers, mushrooms, onions, and black olives. Normally I'd make a joke about a president ordering something with Canadian bacon, but like I mentioned I just got back from Canada, and truth is guys it's a great country. Sure they're all a bunch of dirty socialists but here's the thing: right now in Canada, it's seventy degrees. And the air is just as dry as you please... When's the last time you said that about Houston? It hasn't been seventy degrees since January, and I don't know that I've ever felt anything less that a million percent humidity here. So I'll grant Bush his Canadian bacon. Sometimes even hardened Republicans like ourselves can appreciate our neighbors to the north. The thing is, you know what's crazy? This pizza is named after George H. W. Bush! The first Bush! When's the last time anybody ever named anything after that poor guy! Only elected for one term, and then upstaged by his son? People don't even ever differentiate anymore between W and H.W. Everyone just assumes you're talking about the second! Not Fuzzy's Pizza, though. They're giving this American hero the recognition he deserves! +24 Anyways I'd love to tell you more about Fuzzy's Pizza, but I have a busy morning of real estate shopping in Canada to take care of so I'll have to talk to you guys later! If you want to see my vacation pictures, email me at firstname.lastname@example.org!