Look I just want to lead with how good the cake is at Empire Cafe. I'm not even sure if they serve other food there, I've never offended them by looking at a menu. I'm just saying. If you want, leave this review now, go get some cake, and then we'll talk.
The thing about Empire Cafe is that they are right across the street from Cafe Brasil. I mean not directly across the street but they're pretty darn close. But the two places couldn't be more different than night and day! That's why it's called Empire Cafe instead of Cafe Empire! They wanted everybody to know that they were different and unaffiliated! +8 Here's the thing, guys. Cafe Brasil is always crawling with hipsters. I mean you can't go more that three feet without seeing a girl wearing a romper and oversized glasses that she doesn't need because she wears contacts anyway, or a guy with a tattoo sleeve that says "it's a good thing I like to look grungy, because this ensures I'll never get a real job and will be living off my trust fund for the rest of my life!" -9 The clientele at Empire Cafe could not be different, guys. The whole place is just filled with middle-aged women! And this one girl who was on her computer and had gotten the bottomless coffee and looked like she'd been there for hours, but she seemed like a real jerk so we won't count her. But seriously! Not a hipster in sight, just a bunch of friendly, well dressed women who actually tip their waitresses! How did they manage to be the only restaurant on Westheimer to attract that group? The cake?? There were these three women who were seated a few feet away from us, and do you know what they were talking about? Magic Mike! Oh, it was so authentic! I bet last month their book club read 50 Shades of Grey! +12 I went into the bathroom, and I was the only woman under 40 there! (Full disclosure, there was only one other woman in the bathroom.) I'm just saying guys. If you're tired of talking about Nietzche and wearing vests, there's only one place for you.
But I don't want you to get the wrong impression. There are hipsters at Empire Cafe. But they're all outside, on the patio! They keep the hipsters outside, where they can see and be seen, and let the normal people stay inside! +6 There's two rooms of air conditioned seating for the rest of us. The only thing is, guys... I make fun of hipsters to be trendy and cool, you know, kind of edgy and underground. So what does that mean? Does that mean I have to sit outside too??? I think I'm having an identity crisis guys let's just move on.
Like all decent restaurants, Empire Cafe has electric lighting. I know. Let me just hold you back before you go crazy, OK guys? But the thing is, their lights are shaped like stars! Giant golden stars, hanging from the ceiling! +16 And I want everybody to know that I actually spelled ceiling correctly on the first try there, which rarely happens for me! But it was beautiful, a celestial tableau spread above us when the outside world was cloudy and dark; at Empire Cafe, you can raise your eyes to the heavens and you will never get droplets of rain in them, whether you wear glasses or not!
And here's what I can't get enough of. Empire Cafe has so much parking! I've been working downtown for a while now guys, not to mention I'm now a commuter at the University of Houston, and if there's one thing I appreciate in the world it's not having to search for a parking spot for three hours. I should spend more time actually in a location than finding a parking spot for that location, right? Well never fear! At Empire Cafe they have the obligatory four car parking lot to the side, but they have a plethora of spots behind them and on the weekends, they take over the parking lot of the empty building next to them and you can park there, too! Now, it's just as convenient for everyone in your eight person party to drive separately as it is to drive together! Finally, someone to encourage us to consume more gasoline rather than less! Empire Cafe, you knew I'd give you +9376 for this, didn't you, that's why you did it! Man I love you! Empire Cafe, for the WIN!
There's one more thing to discuss with you my lovely fans. I have T-shirts for you! If you're interested in one, here's the link to my store:
Note: Pictured pajama shorts are not included; I hope you notice how much I'm giving it to you with that pose, I'm a natural model I think so if any of you have any gigs you need filled, email me at firstname.lastname@example.org and I'll put you in contact with my manager.