Thursday, June 7, 2012

Red Onion Cafe


Oh my gosh guys, did you know that the Red Onion Cafe is Mexican food? Excuse me, its Latin fusion. But seriously doesn’t “Red Onion Cafe” seem like they should serve, I don’t know, quiches and pink lemonade and women foods like that. I mean not that they don’t serve women food at the Red Onion Cafe, I mean they have a Sunday brunch, what’s more feminine than that, but there were several men when I ate there as well. Just so’s we’re clear.

Look it’s true I love to start out complaining. So whenever you get there they bring you chips and salsa and there’s a red salsa and a green salsa just like at all the cool places. But do you want to hear something disgusting? The green salsa has pineapples in it. Here you are, expecting a great tomatillo salsa, but it’s sweet. It’s not even spicy. -9 I couldn’t even eat it! Who makes sweet salsas?? And then tries to pass them off as spicy salsas?? I’m just saying it tasted like you were dipping your corn chip into a cup of sugar and while there’s a lot of things I can handle sugar on, my corn chips is not one of them.

But guys I don’t want you to think it’s all bad. Well I mean guys you can think whatever you want right now, but ladies, in the bathroom there’s a picture of George Clooney that’s been cut from a magazine! George Clooney, stud of the world! The whole bathroom is papered with magazine pages from Spanish language magazines, I tried to read my horoscope but all I got was that some guy named Bien was factoring into it a bunch and maybe he was tall dark and handsome but he was sure as heck very, very muy. +8? -8? I’m afraid I don’t know. (I’m just kidding guys I speak great Spanish) But back to this picture of George Clooney! Look I’m just saying that part of my life is kind of private but I wouldn’t kick George out for eating crackers in bed, I sure as heck wouldn’t kick him out for lingering over the sink with just the perfect amount of stubble across his handsome, well sculpted chin. +11

Here’s the best part though. Guys, I ate a papusa! +5 In case you didn’t know what these were before I ate one either, it’s an El Salvadorian dish that’s sort of like a tortilla, but much thicker and stuffed with things like beans and cheese and meat. All I knows is that it was delicious and I felt so multicultural! Here’s the thing I’ve only known two men from El Salvador, one of them I worked with and he was really nice and handsome but the other I went on a date with once, I won’t share his name on the internet, but he was the prettiest boy I’ve ever met in my entire life. Beautiful. We had a class together and I sat next to him and we were friends for a while and we didn’t really have much in common other than the fact that we both thought I was funny, and then we went to the movies and I realized that he didn’t really think I was funny, he just didn’t speak English very well and only laughed at my jokes to be polite, and we watched that movie Kick Ass together and I’m 90% sure he didn’t really get it and thought I was a terrible person for laughing when all those people were getting killed but I mean guys, in the context of the film it really is funny, and if he just had a little bit better grasp of the English language I feel like we could have gone out again, but then again if he had a little better grasp of the English language I would have realized a lot sooner he didn’t actually think I was funny and would have spent a bit less time trying out my best material on him. So the moral of this story that we can take from these three things, these two men and one food item, is that all things from El Salvador are very handsome, very attractive, and also don’t speak English very well and probably don’t think you’re funny. The papusa is the only one I got to first base with. -3

And in the final news, the chef of Red Onion Cafe has a new reality show! +a million! It’s called “Wannabe Chef” and it’s about this guy who follows the chef around and he learns how to be a top chef in 30 days. It seems like it will be a good show, simply because our chef has a Hispanic accent and the wannabe chef has a British accent. It’s just as multicultural as the Red Onion Cafe is! How nice is that!

Buuut that’s all for this review. It’s a very nice restaurant and papusa has got to be the funnest word in the world to say, so you should check it out and then when you get back to your house, email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com!

Cafe Red Onion on Urbanspoon

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