Thursday, May 24, 2012


OK guys. Be honest. Have any of you ever eaten in the Houston tunnels? For every person who answered no, I bet there are three more people who answered, "What Houston tunnels?"

Here's the thing guys: that's so lame! Underneath downtown Houston, there's an entire economy of restaurants, thriving and dying in the corporate lunch scene. One time I watched a video on Youtube about what happens underneath ant piles, and it's exactly like the Houston underground! Underneath ant piles, ants go to fast food restaurants and a charming, tinier imitation of Ragin Cajun while talking about important things like documents and flow charts and Caribbean time shares. These same things are discussed in the Houston Tunnels! People who work downtown are just like you and me, except the things they worry about all seem more important than the things I worry about. Right, like you and I, we worry about our rent and if our car is going to break down and if we remembered to turn off the stove before we left the house. People who work downtown? They're always worrying about whether or not they have the right color Post-it note! This is a real conversation I overheard downtown! +8 And can I share with you the coolest part of being downtown? Not in the Tunnels but just in general? They have police horses downtown! So far I've met two, one is named Moose and the other is named Vinson. Here's a fun fact I learned about police horses: they like peppermints! One of them licked my hand and I'll be honest, he could definitely have used a peppermint. I'm not sure how many criminals these horses catch, mostly they just seemed interested in making low "whuff" noises and sometimes stomping their feet angrily, but I guess we pay them a salary and so they must do something. I bet they catch wayward hay bales real well.

Right but Zaytona's is in the Tunnels, I'm sorry I got distracted with the police horses, I'll try to stay on topic. The thing about the Tunnels is that it's this whole underground world! And nobody ever goes down there, but there are restaurants in the Tunnels that are only in the Tunnels. Like Zaytona's. If you don't go into the Tunnels, you can't eat at Zaytona's! (Though I'll be honest I ate a crepe and it had too much feta on it and if you get the number 8 crepe, or maybe it was number 4, then you're probably better off NOT eating in the Tunnels. Gross too much feta -3) They have this guy that hands out coupons and there are three coupons you can get for Zaytona's, one for $1 off a main dish or sandwich, one for a free beverage with purchase of breakfast, and one for free soup or salad with purchase of main dish. That's three coupons, and all you have to do is stand around the food court until someone hands it to you! +7

And that's the other thing! Zaytona's opens at 7 for breakfast! You can eat breakfast in the Tunnels! Think of how important it is to remain underground, in case for instance there's a nuclear strike on Houston, and everybody dies except for you, because you were at Zaytona's eating breakfast and the terrorists live in a different time zone and so you're the only person who's saved because it's breakfast time and you're underground! +9 Zaytona's: saving lives, all the time. Just kidding their slogan is "Eat Fresh. Eat Healthy." which sort of sounds like hippy talk to me but I'll let it slide this time. Look what I'm trying to say is that I love places that serve breakfast, because I've very rarely awake before nine and prefer not to be awake before ten, and so when I do unfortunately have to rise in those terrible morning hours, I like to reward myself for my hard work by having somebody else cook food for me instead of having to go all the way into my kitchen, and open the box of Poptarts, and then open the PACKAGE of Poptarts. I mean that's so complicated, I'd much rather someone else took care of the details for me. +8

Look but it isn't all sunshine and roses. Do you know what the worst part of the Tunnels is? Here's the thing: inside the Tunnels, they have maps of the Tunnels in case you get lost, but the maps aren't referenced by the stores and restaurants in the Tunnels, they're referenced by the buildings above ground! -12 Are you kidding me guys?? If I were on ground level, I wouldn't be having this problem because I know exactly where Niko Niko's in Market Square Park is which is the only above ground location I ever eaten in downtown and besides, I'd be able to navigate easily and swiftly because I used to be a cub scout and I know all about using the sun to find your way when you're lost. Also, you can check out the trees that line the Main Street light rail and ascertain which direction is west from where the moss grows on the trees. You can use the horses in the same manner. My point guys is that these maps are just laughing in the face of everyone lost underground. Oh you're lost? They say. Well then, we'll just give you perfectly POINTLESS DIRECTIONS and then train downtown people to ignore everyone who says "Excuse me" because they assume the next words out of their mouth will be "Do you have a dollar?" or "Quieres chicle?" and not "Do you have any idea where the **** I am, I've been wondering around these Tunnels lost for three days and I think I left the stove on in my apartment??" -7

That's all. If you see Moose or Vinson say hello to them and tell them to email me at (I'm just kidding guys, horses obviously can't use keyboards because they don't even have fingers, they only have hooves!)

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