Thursday, May 3, 2012

Black Walnut Cafe

Let's just get started right away here guys. The coolest thing about Black Walnut Cafe, located in Rice Village, is that they validate parking for you! What is more awesome than that? Look guys, I hang out in Rice Village all the time, dividing my time between shopping at Half Price Books and standing around, pretending I go to Rice and am majoring in neuroscientology. I'm sure you guys all do the same; you all know how awful it is trying to find a parking spot! But you don't even have to if you go to Black Walnut and you don't have to pay for parking either, the thing I hate most about Houston! They'll let you park in the garage for free! You can have your cake and eat it too guys, truly this is the land of the free +12!

Ok guys I'm going to start with the end of my trip to Black Walnut first, and I need you guys to do me a solid and not tell my mom about this. The thing is after I'd enjoyed my meal and my Coke that I rewarded myself with since its exam week and one of my professors cancelled the last paper, I sorta had to pee. So I head into the bathroom and guess what! The sinks are in pink limestone in the ladies' bathroom! Isn't that so sweet and such attention to detail? +8 Because everyone knows ladies love the color pink! But then I was washing my hands and I got to thinking, what if this isn't special at all? What if this isn't attention to detail? What if when they were building this restaurant, pink limestone was on sale and so that's why they put that in? Its not them being charming, its just them being cheap! Obviously I had to know which it was, I could never trust a restaurant that put pink limestone in the mens' bathroom. I'd come with two of my roommates and as far as I know, none of us are dudes... it was up to me. I had to do it. I checked to make sure nobody was looking. I scanned my eyes across the dining room, checking for all exits, so I'd know how to make a hasty retreat after I was caught red handed in the mens' room, inspecting their features. All was safe. I pushed the door open, and there they were - WHITE limestone sinks! Guys, Black Walnut Cafe DOES care about us ladies! They did buy those sinks just for us! +23! And! I didn't get caught sticking my nose in the mens' room! +4!

Here's what's gross about the Black Walnut Cafe. So I ordered the bacon and tomato grilled cheese sandwich like a boss, and it comes with a side salad! Obviously these were the first vegetables I've had that weren't on a burger or fried in a long time, so I was pretty eager to eat them. The thing is, the guy asks, what salad dressing do you want? And obviously I didn't go to the counter prepared, and I ask, I don't know, what kind do you have? Here's the dressings they list on the menu: tomato savory, asiago blue cheese, honey mustard, mango cilantro, caesar, ranch, lemon, and Otis. That's what was listed on the menu. I swear they listed like seventeen or eighteen more, and then they expect you to come up with an answer! -3 That's right I'm complaining about too many choices! I had to frantically grasp onto the only word I remembered which was cilantro; what I failed to remember was that the preceding word was MANGO. Ugh it just tasted like pureed mangos! That's right guys I inadvertently got not only my vegetable serving of the day but my fruit serving as well!!!! Grossssss! -24!

But there's more! This is the best part. Guys guess what! They don't have regular chairs at Black Walnut Cafe! I mean they do, at the lame tables. But they also have armchairs! Armchairs that you can sit in! Doesn't that sound so sweet? So charming? Its like a British tea room! +21! You can just sit there and nosh and talk about how cool Margaret Thatcher is and how much you love crumpets! And other British things! And you're in Rice Village so its even smarter and more pretentious!

That's everything!! I'm too busy being really famous to write reviews anymore, but you can let me know all about how much you love me in the comments below or at arbitrarycriticism@live.com! 


Black Walnut Cafe (Rice Village) on Urbanspoon

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