Thursday, April 26, 2012

Twin Peaks

Most of you guys have probably never heard of this place, which just opened off of 59 at Shepherd. I mean they have kind of an interesting concept, with the half dressed women serving you food in skimpy outfits, and the televisions at every table, and the deliciousness of their chicken fried steak, but I mean, probably most of you gents that I know aren't into that. But as the face of Arbitrary Criticism it was my civic duty to go try it out, and so I went to this not very well known, barely attended sports bar just for you guys. (That was way sarcasm guys! Melissa and I tried to go three weeks ago and we couldn’t get in because there was a three hour wait for a table! Everybody wants to go to Twin Peaks!)

First off, you may or may not know that I love merchandizing in restaurants more than anything. I'm not sure if you guys do, but I have a Freebird's Fanatic card, and I keep refusing to register my card on the Internet because I have enough swipes for a free burrito, but not a free T-shirt. I'm scared that one day I'm going to go to Freebird's a little low on cash and I'm going to trade all those hard earned swipes in for the cheap thrill of a burrito instead of a shirt. I mean seriously guys, which is more important? An actual food item that will provide me with nourishment, or a T-shirt that will get stuffed precariously into my already crowded rotation? You're right! The T-shirt! I just think that you know you're a good restaurant when not only will people FILL their bellies with your grub, they'll cover their bellies with you as well. Twin Peaks takes this a step further, though. They sell T-shirts, sure, and hats, sure, but they also sell Twin Peaks underwear! Actual underwear with the Twin Peaks logo on them, available in store and probably online! +98 I’m just saying this goes beyond merchandizing and into arrogance, and like any girl I love arrogance when it’s backed up by quality. Do I have Twin Peaks underwear now? I’ll never tell. (No I don’t that’s probably tacky).

K so here’s the thing, they treat their wait-staff so nicely here. It’s just the uniform they provide their girls with... I think before the truck got in, the uniform boxes were attacked by a bear or something, and all of their uniforms are now only half a shirt. Cuz the bear was pretty hungry, but not hungry enough to eat the entire uniform. And I guess that some of these girls, maybe it’s their first job, maybe they have student loans, because it seems like none of them can afford pants; they’re all wearing shorts! Some of them were real short, like they had to borrow their little sister’s shorts or something. But Twin Peaks takes such good care of them! They recognize the deficiencies in the uniform, they recognize the extreme pants deficit in their employees, and like me or you, they worried: are our girls going to get cold, with 9/10ths of their bodies uncovered? But the problem was solved! Every girl was issued a pair of brown boots to go with their uniforms. So maybe their midriffs are exposed, maybe their cleavages are hanging out in the wind, maybe the expanses of their thighs and the majority of their butts are freezing in the cool Houston weather, but at least their shins are warm, guys! It’s truly heartening, guys, but I’m still thinking about starting a charity to help cover the girls of Twin Peaks, to raise some money to cover their thighs and stomachs. If anybody wants to donate, just let me know, I’ll make sure the money gets to the girls. +27

So there’s this giant bearskin rug on one of the walls at Twin Peaks. And you know it really makes me wonder. Is that the bear that ate the girls’ shirts? Because I just have some questions. One, why didn’t they pump the bears stomachs for the other half of the shirts before they skinned it? I mean as long as they’d kept the severed halves on ice they could reattach them, provided they had a god enough shirt surgeon. And then of course comes the question, who killed the bear? Was it a forest ranger who merely knew about the bear’s relation to Twin Peaks, and that’s why the skin was turned over to them? Or was it the bar tender who shot the bear, in order to protect his women coworkers? Or were his women coworkers so enraged by the loss of the other halves of their shirts that they killed the bear themselves? There was no apparent bullet hole. I bet those ladies killed it with their bear hands (hee hee hee). The thing is there aren’t any bears in Texas; they’d have had to travel up north to the Rockies, and that’s where I start to get worried about them. It’s OK if they can’t afford pants here in Texas, but up north? They would have frozen half to death! What if there used to be twice as many waitresses and now these are the only ones left from the cold and frozen arctic temperatures? Hopefully more people will be sending in donations now, those boots can only go so far.

Anyway. Twin Peaks has the best chicken fried steak... I don’t want to say in the world, but I’ll definitely say in that intersection. Don’t try their burgers, don’t try their sandwiches, but please, everybody make it out to Twin Peaks and try their chicken fried steak. And while you’re there, I recommend that you do all you can to console their girls. They lost all their friends and half their clothing in one fell swoop. They deserve your sympathy.
Twin Peaks on Urbanspoon


  1. That restaurant was retarded and the bitches were pretty nasty looking overall.
    The restaurant constantly tried to question my manhood. Like I ordered a beer and the slut asks 'do you want a little girl beer or a man-sized beer?'. Fuck you bitch, I wouldn't even fuck you. Yeah I would. But then again, in the bathroom, there's a sign that says "Mooses with small antlers make sure to scoot up close to toilet!". Bitches. I pissed all over the screens that are about 2 inches from your eyeballs when you're peeing as intended. They wouldn't give our friend a beer cause his I.D. was different than our 'merican driver's licenses, even though it clearly said he was 21. Dumb-ass restaurant if you ask me.

  2. Anonymous seems to have had a really bad time at this establishment, but that is probably because he was calling people bitches and sluts. Twin Peaks only calls into question the manhood of a man questioning his own manhood, but in all seriousness Anonymous' small antler problem should really not be mocked or made fun of guys, it is a serious problem in 'merica these days!

  3. I like the place. The food was good, and the waitress knew what she was doing.
    Nobody seemed interested in the size of my antler.