Alright everybody let's everyone as an exercise close their eyes and picture what kind of food a place called Andy's Cafe (1115 E. 11th Street) serves. Everybody who guessed Mexican food, raise your hand. Alright guys, open your eyes and look around; you see those people who have their hands raised? They're dirty liars! Nobody expects a place called Andy's Cafe to serve Mexican food! Breakfast, maybe. Waffles. That's what I think a place called Andy's Cafe should serve. They certainly shouldn't bring you out a basket of chips and two different kinds of salsa as an appetizer; calling a Mexican restaurant "Andy's Cafe" just makes me want to pronounce the "x" as an "x" when I order my breakfast burritos "a la Mexicana". -14
Here's what else is terrible about Andy's: the first time I ever went there was last July, and I know what you're thinking, why would anybody ever go there more than once? And I'll tell you: Andy's has Mexican food, 24 hours. There's not a lot I won't do for 24 hour Mexican food, and that includes eating ethnic cuisine at a place called Andy's. I crave Mexican food all the time, and I don't just mean seven days a week, I mean 24 hours a day as well. If I could just have somebody insert an IV directly into my veins and pump salsa into me all the time, well, I wouldn't do that, I couldn't taste it if it were just pumped into my veins, but I think you get my point. The only thing I love more than Mexican food is Mexican food all hours of the night. In the dormitories we got whole free boxes of Doritos Tacos After Midnight, and guys, I ate way more of those than was completely necessary. Bags and bags of Tacos After Midnight. What I'm trying to get at, here, is that the only thing I love more than Mexican food is stuffing my face after midnight, and Andy's provides opportunities for both. +3
Back to what I was talking about. Things that suck. The last time I went to Andy's was last July, I'd just gotten off of work, I was driving home to my parents' house the next morning to visit my father for his birthday, and I wanted to have dinner with a friend before I wasn't going to see him for a couple days. We've just discussed how I love eating Mexican food late at night, so he suggested Andy's, I found some directions on Google maps, I wrote them on a Post-it note, I put the Post-it note in my car, and then I tried to find the place, thinking I'd get there, eat some food, get home at a decent hour and be bright and fresh for my parents the next morning. I got lost for 45 minutes! 45 minutes I could have spent sleeping! And do you know why? Because the Houston Heights is completely bipolar. It's really hard for me to keep my emotions out of this paragraph, guys, my blood is boiling just thinking about the madness. You'll drive along a street for a block or so, not paying attention to street signs, and then suddenly you're on a whole new street! Did you fall asleep at the wheel and accidentally turn? NO! They just change the name of their streets every twenty minutes! Sure, Andy's is on 11th street, but guess what! A block before it's not 11th street, it's PECORE! Here you are, an innocent girl, driving along late at night, thinking you're on Pecore, thinking you're going to turn onto 11th street, because that's what Google maps told you to do! Good old Google maps never led you astray! But NO! I drove ON 11th street for a full 20 minutes, wondering when I was going to see it to turn onto. 20 minutes, looking for a street I was already on! This is what drives me crazy! Westheimer is the longest street in the entire city, it feels like. I mean, Westheimer goes all the way to KATY, right? But for 20 blocks of it, Westheimer isn't good enough for it. It has to be ELGIN street! And what's up with Montrose? First it's Montrose, then it's Studemont, then it's StudeWOOD? Let's not get hung up on whether or not my order is correct here guys, let's focus on the facts: it maybe, MAYBE makes sense to change the name from Montrose to Studemont, you know, in the screwed up, sick Houston way of doing things. To change the name from one part of town to another. But from Studemont to Studewood? It's just four freaking letters! Make up your mind, Houston! Pick one! I'm just saying, I'm always Catherine. I don't change my name to Kendra when I wander on the other side of 59 and then change my name again to Rachel once I pass out of the loop. I'm always Catherine! You can look me up on Google maps! It's not going to tell you to turn off of Alexis onto Catherine, it's just going to give you good, straightforward directions to find me. I'll be right here. That's the kind of stability I expect from a city! Thanks a lot, Andy's Cafe. -907
I'm so upset I don't know if I can finish this review.
Despite being called Andy's Cafe, Andy's Cafe has most of the hallmarks of a traditional Mexican restaurant. You know what I'm talking about. Murals on the wall +8 that were probably painted by the proprietors wife. Laminated menus +4 that undoubtedly have seen their share of spilled Corona. BYOB. Christmas lights on the inside even though it's already April +6. The food's decent enough, I wish they would salt their potatoes in their breakfast tacos more but I'm not an expert, guys, I'm just a restaurant reviewer. It's really inexpensive and as a college student I'll love it just for that.
Anyway that's about it I gave it everything I got with that Houston rant. (And what's up with Richmond? First it's Richmond, then it's Wheeler, then it DEAD ENDS at TCU, but when it picks back up on the other side it's still Wheeler? How come it changed from Richmond to Wheeler for no logical reason in the middle of the city, but when the street ACTUALLY ENDS it can't come up with another name? Huh? Huh? I'm asking you, Houston city planners!) If you have any questions or answers, please, email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.