Monday, March 26, 2012

House of Pies

I'm pretty sure that everybody who's in the UH Honor's college, lived in the UH dorms, or knows somebody who fulfills either one of those requirements has been to House of Pies. The same goes for everybody who's ever tasted a sip of alcohol within the city limits of Houston. If you haven't been to House of Pies, you're not a true college student and you're not a true hedonist. End of story. I have no idea why this is, either. House of Pies is terrible! There's terrible service, the food isn't that great, and there's always a huge line! There are such better diners in Houston! But we've all been to House of Pies so many times! I don't even have to tell you the address, you already know! Guys, it doesn't make sense! How come we aren't going to Dot's Diner, it's way better, and they give you bread before each meal.

OK OK I know why, there's just a really great atmosphere even though it's such a crappy place. This one time I went to House of Pies with Melissa and some girls we were friends with and maybe a guy but I don't really remember. Anyway so we're sitting at this really big booth by the door and this pair of drunk guys come in and as usual there's a huge line so they just sit at our table and pretend like they know us. We all get to talking and I really got the impression that the drunk guys were making fun of us, us fun, nice girls on an outing, which obviously doesn't make any sense because we weren't the intoxicated people who'd sat down with a group of random strangers and ordered eggs to sop up the alcohol we'd poured into our system. But I digress. Other than this rudeness on their part they were actually pretty fun and before anyone gets too horrified, the waitress did come over in a solicitous manner to make sure we didn't need them escorted out we were in no danger. When we all got up to leave one of them paid for Melissa's dinner, and this was officially the best time I ever had at House of Pies. +13 Something about the clientele and the way the waitress didn't seem surprised suggests to me that this sort of thing probably happens all the time. (Though to be clear no drunk guy ever tried to buy me dinner it's obvious to us all that Melissa's the cute one)

Now that I've shared that I'm going to continue to complain about House of Pies, but we should all go into this knowing that I've eaten there my share of times. Like I said there are two groups of people who go there: drunkards and UH Honor's students. And those two groups are always firmly separate; to be clear, drunk UH Honor's students go to Whataburger. So my most recent excursion to House of Pies occurred last Friday. I went around midnight to ensure that I have the worst experience possible: as usual there was a huge line and there were these three inebriated boys sitting outside the door making arbitrary criticisms about all who entered the door. Obviously I hated it arbitrary criticism is my shtick. So Thomas and I have to wait for a table and there's a Ms. Pacman machine in the entryway, we have enough quarters to both play. But the two player setting is broken and on accident I press the wrong button and we have to play Galaga instead, easily the WORST Atari game in existence and I'm terrible at it and I lost all of our quarters and it was only one player and then we just had to stand there and talk to each other. Yuck there's nothing I hate more than communication with people I've agreed to go to dinner with -12.

Here's the thing HOP is always busy so they have these little table tents that say "Welcome to House of Pies! Minimum table service $2.50 per person per hour!" OK and I can certainly understand why they don't want people to linger, that's fine, plus I've seen enough old television shows to know that sad people sit in diners doing nothing but drinking coffee for hours, I get why that would be obnoxious. But don't you think that's kind of a mixed message? "Welcome to House of Pies! Please think twice before sticking around for too long!" As well, like all UH students I went to House of Pies my first week of my freshman year, and THEN the table tents said "During peak hours minimum table service $2.50 per person." Sounds to me that over these past few years they've either decided all hours are peak hours or they've gotten considerably snootier about the kinds of clientele they let into their establishment. Either way I don't like it. -2.50.

The worst affront of House of Pies is obviously, however, that they are always out of the pie you want. Whenever you go for the pie, you have to pick out three or four from the list that you want to eat that night, because they're always out of your first choice, they're usually out of your second choice, and they only sometimes have your third choice. I don't understand! Maybe they should just keep a smaller, more manageable pie list! Then it would manage customers expectations better! The sad thing is, they've managed their customers' expectations perfectly! I only ever expect terrible service and not the pie I want now! -9

Like I said obviously my ragging on the House of Pies means nothing because there's no way I'll never go there again. Everybody has to have the same relationship with HOP that I do, and they're still always packed to the gills. No offense Melvin, I know how fish references offend you. Everybody feel free to email me your best HOP stories at arbitrarycriticism@live.com, and please go to Dot's Diner instead they're way tastier.
House of Pies on Urbanspoon

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