Monday, January 30, 2012

Star Pizza

So I'll admit it I'm a little biased here since I work in a rival pizza restaurant. Buuut I recently quit my job and I think that means I'm very well qualified to review Star Pizza, located at 2111 Norfolk. Besides I'm 98% sure one of my friends works there even if I didn't see him so that makes this even more journalistic and professional.

K so Star Pizza is two stories I didn't know if you guys knew that. Melissa and I asked one of the guys there if they had dumbwaiters to carry the food to the second story or if they had to use the stairs and first he said they didn't and then he corrected himself and said they had several dumbwaiters but usually they just called them knuckleheads. Heh heh heh. +19. Anyway, we sat on the bottom floor in one of their dining rooms and the first thing we saw when we walked in was this giant painting of an underwater scene with lots of fish etc. Probably lots of you guys know that I have a fish named Melvin that I've obviously never killed but sometimes gets really sick, and then I have to flush him down the toilet so he'll go to the hospital and the next morning I have to go to Petco and pick him back up after his treatments. They're really great to him there sometimes he comes back completely different colors or sizes. Anyway I really like Melvin, he has this Roman arch that sometimes he swims through in a really cute way and in the mornings when I turn his light on to say hello he swims to the top and I like to pretend it's because he wants to see me and not because he knows I'm about to feed him. My point is Melvin's the only family I have in my apartment and so we're really close, I tell him all my secrets and he's very comforting and when you walk in to Star Pizza if you have a Melvin you can feel very at home. Several of the fish they have painted on their wall are blue and Melvin has also been blue several times, so it's a pretty realistic depiction of my own fish history. +10

Here's something weird about Star Pizza. So any restaurant you go into you have sugar packets at your table, for your tea or whatever. You have the pink ones that are Sweet and Lo, you have the blue ones that are Equal, and you have your white ones that are (I think) Imperial sugar. Right? Well at Star Pizza they have blue ones and pink ones and white ones, but the blue ones are Sweet Mate and the pink ones are Sweet Crystals and the white ones are Glazier sugar. Isn't that strange? I didn't even notice at first, just because I'm so used to that always being such a staple of restaurant living. I'm not even sure how I feel about it, so I'm going to give them +6 and -6 as well. You can draw your own conclusions about their sweeteners it'll be the interactive portion of today's blog post.

OK so the bathrooms are pretty cool there but before we get into the particulars can I tell you a story? So I was obviously listening closely to everything Melissa said to me, but over her shoulder I watched this guy and this girl and they both walked to the restrooms together and a bit the guy came out and he was waiting, loitering a bit, and then he seemed to get tired so he left to go sit down, they were sitting in a different dining room than us. And about a minute later the girl comes out too, and she's loitering and standing around and sighing and I couldn't help but wonder, was she waiting for that guy that just abandoned her? But she's sending text messages and she keeps yawning and seriously, guys, when in the history of the universe has a woman ever gotten out of the bathroom before a man? Just because we have more to do in there than dudes, like powder our noses and actually wash our hands. So I'm staring at her and I can't help but notice that she's waiting and she's waiting and she's obviously growing impatient. I stare and I stare. I gossip about her with Melissa for a while. I stare some more. I honestly no joke probably stared at her for a full fifteen minutes before getting up and telling her he'd left. I just don't understand! Who was she texting? What did she think he was doing? Why didn't he just wait for her for a minute longer? The whole thing was so nerve wracking and awkward that I'm giving the whole establishment a -23 for making me work through it.

Inside the bathrooms though things are super nice. For one thing, they have a picture of Marilyn Monroe in a tutu. There's also a picture of a little boy hugging an elephant, which anyone would find charming! +13 for their artwork. But it gets better! Most crappy restrooms have graffiti all over the bathroom stalls, but not Star Pizza! Instead, they have a chalkboard for you to write on to keep their bathrooms clean but allow you to express your opinions and arbitrary criticisms! Some gems are: "this restaurant is naise" (a regional colloquialism I assume is equivalent to nice); "I need a rape whistle"; and "naruto rocks". All VERY important observations and excruciatingly relevant to the bathroom experience in general. I also learned quite a bit about Bobby's mother but none of it was nice enough to repeat here I'd probably get sued for libel or something. +8

Anyways that's about my whole review of Star Pizza. The only other thing I have to mention is that they have a sign that states "hippies use side doors" which means I'm passionately in love with them. Everybody give it a try and email me at arbitrarycriticism@live.com!

Star Pizza (Montrose) on Urbanspoon

1 comment:

  1. You're a F-ing idiot! Sugar packets? REALLY???

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