Like you, I always knew that when vegans died, they went to hell, mostly for their pretentiousness, sanctimoniousness, and just dairy free cheese in general. What I didn't realize was that in addition to needing different steakhouses, different grocery store aisles, and different water fountains than the rest of us, they also needed their own hell. I am now confidently able to report to you that vegan hell can be found at 3903 Fulton Street, in the form of Radical Eats.
I first heard of Radical Eats yesterday, in a copy of Houston 29 95 that I found on a desk in one of my classes. I hadn't eaten all day and anything would have looked good, but I knew that if this blog was going to become serious, I was going to have to start robbing other restaurant reviewers of their material. Plus they'd mentioned that Radical Eats served strawberry horchata, and if there's anything I like it's things that remind me of Vampire Weekend. I happened to be in the neighborhood today and dutifully tried to find it, only to be rebuffed before I even reached the block of the restaurant. It's like they knew that an omnivore was approaching - ALL of Fulton Street is under construction right now, and I had to take a fifteen minute long detour in which I got lost - I got lost WHILE ON DETOUR, I mean there are signs, for goodness sakes, I mean how dumb am I - found myself on the complete opposite side of the city than necessary, and had to slog my way back to the restaurant. Google maps told me it would take me 14 minutes tops to get there but it took me thirty six. Thank you, Google maps, and seriously, why does Fulton Street need to be widened? If it's such an important street that they need more lanes, they shouldn't close down such a huge section of it for so long! It was so inconvenient to this restaurant that I'm already giving them -500 even before we get there and the worst thing was I heard the guy working at the front and he said that the construction started the very same day that the Houston 29 95 article on them was published. Radical Eats did this on purpose! They don't want you to go there! And like I said I'm convinced it's not even real road work they just hired people to wear orange vests and meander through the center of the streets in front of people who smell like animal fats. -87 more.
OK so I was willing to give vegans the benefit of the doubt, that and strawberry horchata being the only two reasons I went to this establishment. I mean they can't all be bad, right? One of my coworkers was vegan for a while, and it wasn't because he loves animals or is worried about the oppression of species or the exploitation of chickens or anything like that. He stopped eating meat and milk and cheese for health reasons, which I can't say I completely understand but definitely don't completely hate. Somewhere out there there must be other vegans like him, who aren't members of PETA, and just don't like the taste of cheddar, or something equally weird. As soon as I stepped foot into this place though I knew it wasn't that kind. I'll go ahead and paint the scene for you. Most restaurants, when they play music for you, use a site like Pandora to pipe it in through their speakers. Or they have XM radio. Some restaurants choose not to play music for you. Radical Eats? Guys, they have a RECORD PLAYER. Not just for show to look more hipster and vintage. This record player is their ACTUAL SOUND SYSTEM. -98 The guy working the front counter had to keep coming over to switch records or fiddle with the needle or flip to the B side! It was so hipster I could hardly stand it! Why would anybody have something so pretentious and inefficient in their restaurant? It gets worse though! They had a column that was covered in bumper stickers, and one of them read: Jesus was the first socialist. I have no proof that this is hipster though I have a sneaking suspicion hipsters as a race do support socialism. But seriously, guys, we're already mixing religion and politics! Do we really have to start mixing religion and economic systems??? -65
I'm only starting a new paragraph because I'm too irate to continue that one. Here's the next affront: Instead of serving their beverages in cups, like normal people, they served them in old mason jars. There's nothing that irritates me more than this! Nothing says "we're a home-style restaurant with no pretensions" than a glass jar that cost way more than plastic ones ever would! -78 It's such a stupid decision because it's made to portray a value that they obviously don't share! But that's not even the worst. I want you guys to steel yourself for this. I almost couldn't even write it down, I was so stunned. As centerpieces, they have fishbowls and vases filled with - are you sitting down? Cotton. Bolls of cotton. Like they were meant to be decorative or something. It makes absolutely no sense at all! What a waste of cotton! That could be turned into something nice, like Q tips or socks! But instead it's sitting as a useless centerpiece in a stupid vegan restaurant unbelievable -57
I'll admit to you guys that the fried avocado tacos I ate were really, really good. And for the sake of us all experiencing vegan-ism together, I'll let you know that the re-fried beans were average and the rice not that great. The real kicker, my friends, is that I went all the way to that restaurant, I wandered through the entire city of Houston on a detour, I suffered through all their pretensions, and you know what? THEY WERE OUT OF HORCHATA. -99840523847
Like I said, the food itself wasn't awful, but I wouldn't recommend this restaurant and unless you're actually a vegan and actually looking for alternatives to your diet, I'd suggest staying away. If you have anything nice to say, you can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org and if you don't you shouldn't say anything at all!